After the shift in perception happened, life got very messy, things fell apart pretty quickly and it stayed that way for a long time. Until I finally made one of the most important decisions I had to face up to that point.
That shift or experience, which I suppose could go in the Kensho box, instantly, in a very ordinary moment, changed the way in which I experience the world.
And, it also seemed to be the cause of a different kind of confusion that seemed to come from living in what felt like two worlds. It felt as though I was living this sort of external life that everyone knew me as and the person they were familiar with, but then every once in a while living stillness would sneak out every so often. And often, which I thought was odd at first was that people didn’t notice that my inner world was completely still. It was as if I were living in two worlds. That’s the clearest way to describe it. But the reality is that you can’t live in two worlds because once the mind becomes still, it’s very clear that there is only one. I suppose that’s what confuses many people on this path. But that’s one of the many, many paradoxes of chasing stillness. When the chase ends, it doesn’t always just stop immediately. It takes some time.
And so, it was when I decided to let go of everything I was holding on to and continue the fall into the stillness. It came after quite a long time after initially seeing stillness.
So, up until then, it became more and more difficult to live the way that I had before. My life was pretty normal, I was out to accomplish things that I thought would make me successful and then one day I’d be able to relax. But after the chases ended, it was like I was being pulled back into stillness and I was okay with that, but I didn’t want it to affect my outer life too much. Something was telling me that this stillness was the way to live life, but I had such a habit of chasing things that it was as if it was wrong for me to stop doing that. It’s very hard for me to live in both worlds. It was like I was addicted to chasing things to find the stillness that was out there somewhere. Only later did I recognize that yes, the chase ended. But I also had to give up the chase. It was then that the stillness that’s here, all the time became clear. It was always there. And, it’s there for you. It cannot not be where you are.
And, look, before all that happened, I was chasing stillness because I wanted it so badly. And, that’s the puzzle of stillness is that the pieces are where they’re supposed to be. They’re already clicked into the right places and the puzzle is complete. But we have this habit of picking up the puzzle pieces and trying to rearrange them so they fit better. ***laughs*** We also pick up a piece of our puzzle and focus in on it. Meanwhile, we’ve disrupted the whole, complete picture. We look back at the puzzle, and think, geez, something’s missing. I better find something to stuff into that empty spot so the puzzle is complete. All while not realizing we’re holding the piece that’s missing!
So, anyway, when I decided to let go of any safety nets and free fall into the stillness, life changed again. The fear of changing doesn’t just go away and it took some time for that fear of giving up a way of living to dissolve. As it did, the stillness grew deeper and other people started to notice. My wife, who is very supportive, even commented about the change. She would say things like, You’re so patient with everyone, people feel calmer around you, and people seem to trust you completely in such a short time. But here’s the thing, I wasn’t trying to be different, I wasn’t putting energy into being more patient with others. It was just happening that way. Not sure how to explain quite yet, or if it even can be.
And you know, it all really started when I made the decision to quit chasing after the chase ended, and living in stillness became a new way of life.
